“Because sometimes Metal is the only thing louder than the madness that goes on inside my head.” - Alex Cohen, drummer for Pyrrhon
I was struck by an incredibly powerful, dissonant chord within me the day that Alex told me these words. It finally all made sense, this attraction to the music and art form that is Metal. (Writer’s note: Just because I call metal an art form does not mean that I consider those who play or create it “artists.” That is a very special and honorable designation that only goes to those deserving of such a title, not just to anyone. So, that being said, NO; Emmure and Attack Attack or Attack! Attack! and Waking The Cadaver are NOT artists. They’re assholes. There, I said it. I feel better).
Sorry for getting distracted there, it’s just that sometimes the hate knows no bounds.
In Metal, we come together in a unity of like-spritied individuals that all share something in common; the need to unleash. Whatever that means for you, it is something that only you yourself can put into words. No one can explain it, but when we come together at a show or concert or at the bar or any other place of hanging, it is unconsciously recognized as a form of understanding and unity. Even for the aforementioned knuckleheads, they too have things that they need to expel from their internal self, though they still simply offend my taste. If you enjoy them, then they’ve done their jobs as musicians. If not, don’t buy their shit. I will still hate though because, “It’s makes me’s laughs! HAHA!”
That being said, around 2006-2007, I was not in a good place emotionally and mentally and for those of you who work as freelancers, you kind of have an idea of what I’m going to say. Being a freelance musician for the last 15 years has afforded many wonderful and beautiful opportunities and experiences. However, with it has come many heartaches and frustrations. It was during 2006-2007 that I was undergoing a vast transition as a person, a player, and even as a metal head, if you will. I went through the ending of an incredibly tumultuous relationship to then falling into another even more manic and depressing tryst into love, all the while I was in the process of relinquishing the faith I had been a part of most of my life as a Minister, to the de facto experience of my mid 20′s: World of Warcraft.
Some of you are laughing right now. Some of you are asking yourself, ‘What the fucking shit is a World of Warcraft??” (to you I say go watch South Park’s episode “Make Love, Not Warcraft” from season 10; It will explain all you need to know in great detail). Others of you may be scoffing at this but, truth be told, I was a MMORPGer for a solid year. I truly spent an entire year playing that fucking game. Having been an avid gamer most of my life, not to mention a major fan of the Warcraft, Starcraft, Diablo, Blackthorne and anything made by Blizzard, (I’m not as old as I sound), the screenshots and critic reviews of World of Warcraft (WoW if ur 1337) had myself — and even a few friends — salivating at the opportunity to play. To be able to make whatever character you wanted, explore a massive and barely conceivable world, fight against impossibly grandiose creatures — it was everything a not-so-closet nerd needed. I got the game for Christmas which was ironic timing because, as I mentioned before, I’d just left the church. So, to celebrate, I went online to kill Orcs and the Undead during Jesus’ presumed birthday (it’s not at all his birthday, for your information).
While all of these emotionally draining experiences were taking place, I joined my first metal band, Resolution 15. Other than rehearsals, there weren’t really any shows or tours and around this same time it felt as though my career as a professional musician was waning. I wasn’t gigging anywhere near as much as I had in the previous years where I would be in Europe or South America quite often. Nobody was calling me for work and the local gigs I had were few. Luckily, some of them paid so well that I could literally play a gig once a month and have enough money for all my expenses, which weren’t as crazy as it sounds considering that as my new-found addiction grew, I had less and less of a need to go out into the real world; I’d already found the world where I wanted to live.
At first, it was awesomely fun but manageable. I’d wake up, do the morning ritual, play for a bit, log off, then write and record material for Resolution 15 (since writing music in a metal format was new to me I would dedicate hours and days to honing the craft). But, as time went on and gigs became even more scarce, the more I retreated into the World of Warcraft. It was the perfect soul-sucking distraction and I dove head first into a world of self-deprecation and self-destruction. The afternoon gaming sessions turned into morning-afternoon, to morning-afternoon-evening, to morning-afternoon-evening-graveyard shift to just fucking all god damn day! Fuck me, it was retarded; the absolute immersion into the steaming pile of shit that was my frustrated ego, body deep in the wretched fatback of Uber-nerdom. I went from being a relatively healthy eater to fast food aficionado, eating a solid 2-4 meals a day of McDonalds, Crown Fried Chicken, Subway, Domino’s, and ghetto greasy chinese food. I’ve even been quoted as saying, soberly, “Nah dude, let’s do Crown Fried tonight, it’s healthier than McDonalds. Less stuff in the food. Halal and shit.” It’s absolutely astounding that my colon and intestinal tract have not pink socked out of my body during my sleep in order to choke me to death for the stupid shit I put it through. But, we’ll see what has been wrought if I make it to being an old man.
As the trend continued, it started to drastically affect my professional life. I was turning down work because it would interfere with my gaming time. The very thing that drove me to playing World of Warcraft was not playing gigs, yet there I was, turning down the opportunities to do so! I’d make up stupid excuses like “Oh, I got another hit that night,” or “I’m going to be out of town that weekend.” Stupid, stupid shit like that. I even once overslept for a 6:30PM rehearsal. Yes, go ahead and feel free to reread that last sentence. Take your time. I know. Sometimes, I just wouldn’t show up to things that I said would attend. Whenever I did go out to play gigs I’d get completely wasted and do things that make me cringe to this day when I think of how deplorable and uncaring I was. The things that I put myself through and many times, in, were astoundingly disgusting. But, these experiences “build character”, right? All the while I was gaining weight — high fructose corn syrup-modified corn starch-soy lechtin protein all day every day and it made me look greasily sick and bloated. Lethargy aside, everything was a struggle at that point, physically. I defer again to the South Park episode. I went from being a lean guy in the 160′s to being just under 200 pounds and carrying around a spare tire for the car I didn’t own. So, baggy shirts it was, but you could still see my gut resting on the snare drum whenever I played. I noticed that I was only seeing part of the Wee-Willy-Wonka when I took a piss. Things, simply put, got way out of hand.
But in WoW I was a badass Warlock and Mage, on several servers, kicking ass and taking names, doing things people said mages and warlocks couldn’t do, etc etc. All with other like-spirited individuals that either 1) loved role playing video games (huge difference between role playing, believe me), 2) needed a distraction from life, and 3) just hated themselves. I fit all three profiles easily so this game was heroin for people like me. And I became friends with said people. Hell, I even decided to start an out-of-state relationship with one of them; she was married and had 4 kids.
All the while, I did have concerned friends that knew something was going on, but, with the exception of one very close companion in which he and I have shared an absolutely staggering amount of life together, no one really knew the depths of my self-deprication and depravity. No one knows, to this day, how many strange things I tried and involved myself in, how many lives I foolishly intertwined myself with, how many disgusting choices I made and people I hurt and how incredibly stupid it all was. The one stable relationship I had in this entire 2 year period was drastically affected and destroyed by it. These experiences lead to my wake up call, putting me emotionally where I needed to be in life to ultimately change. A major catalyst for this change — other than becoming more active in the New York Metal scene, as well as playing with one of my favorite bands in my college days, Dapp Theory – was a random email exchange that took place in late 2007. This would be about the time that I started to learn more about Miami-born band, Cynic.
Being born and raised in Miami, I was completely unaware of most metal. The fact that the studio where Death used to rehearse was a few minutes drive from my high school and church shows you how completely ignorant I was to the genre. I was raised on Salsa, Classical, Jazz, Funk, Fusion, Reggae, Blues, and anything else my parents played for me that wasn’t on commercial radio. But Metal, real Metal, was absent from that list. Let me put it this way: I knew Metallica’s Black album, but not And Justice For All or Kill ‘Em All or anything like that. Yeah, I was that fucking clueless. But I digress for the 1,000th time. In 2007 I started to see videos of Cynic when they were in Europe on their 2006 reunion tour. Friends of mine thought I knew who they were because I’d heard of Aghora (Miami-based metal outfit, female fronted, good shit), so they were talking ecstatically aboutCynic getting back together. I decided, like a good student, to do my homework. I downloaded Focus from iTunes and did my Google-bombing for ‘Cynic,’ ‘Band,’ ‘Metal.‘ What I heard caused a reaction within me. There were so many elements in the composition and performance — things I’d wanted desperately to exist in Metal, but had no idea they already existed. And, to learn they were from MIAMI! Fuck me, I know anyone liked anything other than Gloria Estefan down there! The writing, the words, everything, it was truly special for a metal album (still makes me feel douchey saying that. Cynic is a band. Period. I would put them on any bill for any style of music in any venue. And fuck you for disagreeing 
).
I did a little more homework and found that Sean Reinert was not only from Miami, but that we went to the same high school, New World School of The Performing Arts. He too, was a double major, meaning he was a Classical Percussionist as well as a Jazz Drummer. In fact, he was the first student the school ever had that did that, and for years afterwards they didn’t have someone who was capable of doing what he did. For those of you who may not have known that about him, his playing probably makes a lot more sense now; it’s one of the many reasons as to why he sounds like no other drummer in metal right now. I, a failing fledgling metal drummer, addicted to online games and fast food and loose women, found this to be immensely inspirational. The more I listened to their music, the more I found myself being reinvigorated. I was remembering my own love for music, for playing, for writing. I found that there was hope and peace in their music, something you rarely hear metal bands speak of because they’re afraid of being “Emo”, and it truly began to change me. It’s at a point now where I can’t listen to Focus or evenTraced In Air without tearing up or balling, so I usually don’t listen them in public.
With all this new info and in my half-state of inhibition, I decided to email Sean via myspace. I explained to him my background and how I discovered his music and I told him how thankful and grateful I was to have found them as a band, how their music was helping me through a very self-destructive time when I stopped believing in myself and my dreams. I assumed I wouldn’t hear back from him and even told him the same. He emailed me the next day with a lengthy and heartfelt response. I still have the emails saved in my old hard drive. The genuineness and peace of mind that I heard in his playing and his words were truly a part of who he is as a human being, not to mention Paul’s writings as well.
Shortly after this experience, I decided not to play World of Warcraft anymore. For the first time in my life I had the typical “Super-Fan” experience, reminding me — in a very real way — that music can directly or indirectly change not only a person, buteverything. To this day, I haven’t logged back into my WoW account. When I play video games now it doesn’t hold the same power over me. It’s not needed, it’s wanted, and I no longer play for 22 hours a day and eat fast food around the clock. I started to practice again after not doing so for 2 years. I wrote a shit ton of music, began playing in several metal bands and maintaining a somewhat busy touring and gig schedule. Soon after this transition I met my future wife.
Sure, there are still struggles in life that are completely frustrating and heartbreaking. But, I’ve been learning to not hate myself — or everything — so much that I become debilitated and unable to see myself and others through them. Honestly, Cynic and Sean Reinert have had an inadvertently big hand in that. So, again, I say “Thank you, Sean“. Thank you for being you. For allowing who and what you are and the experiences that culminated in you to be a catalyst for change and positivity. I hope that I, too, can continue living in such a way, to embrace an honorable lifestyle that promotes healing and growth and the evolution in us all. I think that we, as musicians and even as metal heads or whatever adjective you would like to use, can bring this to the forefront of our music. Who knows, perhaps Chuck had a huge impact on this, but either way, to all the aforementioned musicians and to those who inspired them, Thank You. You helped prevent this cynical asshole from ruining his life and I aim to return the favor.
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